A Writer’s Letter To Santa

Dear Santa:

First of all, I want to assure you that I have been very good this year.  Really.  I’ve done A LOT of writing; I’ve put my butt in my chair just about every day.  (My butt’s actually a little flat and wide at this point for all the writing I’ve done.  But that’s probably more than you wanted to know.)  I’ve met my deadlines.  I’ve dutifully posted at my various blogs.  I’ve read a bunch, done a ton of research, and tried my best to keep my website up to date.  Oh, and I’ve been nice to my wife and kids and friends.  Just ask them.  Well, maybe don’t ask my teenager, but go ahead and talk to the others.

So, since I’ve been so good, I thought you might like to see my gift list.  It’s not too long.  Well, okay, it’s a little long.  But what do you expect?  I’m a novelist.  You want pithy, go to a short story writer.

Just kidding.  A bit of humor there for you.  You like humor, don’t you?  If not, I apologize.

Maybe I should get to my list….

First of all, I’d like a bestseller.  Which is not to say that I want you to give me a book that is a bestseller.  Not that I have anything against bestsellers.  They’re great.  I’m sure the authors who write them are very happy.  It’s just that, well, what I really want is for my next book to BE a bestseller.  Can you do that?  I mean, I’m sure you can do it.  You’re Santa, after all.  But it would be nice if you did that for me.

I’d also like a movie contract for one of my books.  Or several.  All would be great.  But that’s probably asking a lot.  Why don’t we start with one?

Nice reviews would be, well, nice.  I understand that we’re in a tricky area here.  I’m kind of asking you to bend people’s opinions, which might not be kosher.  (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “kosher,” does it?  I hope not.)  Let’s do it this way:  if you could be really nice to the people who give me good reviews, and give broken glass and rusty nails to the people who crap on my books, that would be great.  (It doesn’t offend you when I use the word “crap,” does it….?)

Also, do you know Oprah?

There are also a few things I want that can actually be put under a tree.

Like a Hugo, a Nebula, and a World Fantasy Award.  I don’t need all three in one year (though that would be really cool!) but I would like to get started on a collection of shiny new hardware.

I should ask for other stuff, too, shouldn’t I?  I mean it’s not all about ego and money, is it?  It’s also about material goods.

I would love a new laptop.  A mac.  One of those really, really thin ones that’s lightning fast and wicked cool looking and mega-expensive.  I need it for work.  Seriously.

I’m also wondering about a new muse.  Not that I don’t like my old muse.  But she is getting a little long in the tooth, as they say, and I’m interested in writing some different stories and books this year, so I thought that a new muse might be in order.  I don’t know if that’s something your elves can make, or if one needs to be captured.  We might be getting into another of those tricky areas.  I’ll leave the muse thing to you; you know best.

And that’s all!  See, I told you it wasn’t too long.  It’s not like I’m being greedy or anything.  Thanks, Santa!

Best,

David

PS.  What do I REALLY want for the holidays this year?  Love and laughter, health and happiness; great successes in the coming year for my colleagues here at SFNovelists (and, yes, for me, too); story and book sales for the aspiring writers among our devoted readers; and peace, joy, and freedom for all the people of the world.  May all of you have a merry holiday!

David B. Coe
http://DavidBCoe.livejournal.com
http://www.DavidBCoe.com

Filed under Not Remotely Writing Related, writing humor, writing life. You can also use to trackback.

There are 3 comments. Get the RSS feed for comments on this entry.

  1. 1. Mary

    Merry Christmas!

  2. 2. Barry

    “I would love a new laptop. [...] I need it for work. Seriously.”

    This. A thousand times this. :) Seriously. :)

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Author Information

David B. Coe

David B. Coe (http://www.DavidBCoe.com) is the Crawford award-winning author of the LonTobyn Chronicle, the Winds of the Forelands quintet, the Blood of the Southlands trilogy, and a number of short stories. Writing as D.B. Jackson (http://www.dbjackson-author.com), he is the author of the Thieftaker Chronicles, a blend of urban fantasy, mystery, and historical fiction. David is also part of the Magical Words group blog (http://magicalwords.net), and co-author of How To Write Magical Words: A Writer’s Companion. In 2010 he wrote the novelization of director Ridley Scott’s movie, Robin Hood. His books have been translated into more than a dozen languages. Visit site.

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