Dragon Diaries Part The Third

Here’s a third round of Dragon Diaries:

Met a knight-at-arms, alone and palely loitering. Ated him. Ated pretty lady he kept whining about too. Hard and cold on the outside, but soft and warm on the inside. Yummy!Thinking of lounging on my hoard today. Dragons are supposed to do that sometimes, aren’t they? And Nap + Sparklys = Win!

Was thinking about gardening, heard you could grow your own food from cuttings, but cat says it doesn’t work with knights. :-(

A man with a skinny bendy sword came to the cave. He said he was more nimble than armor-knights and he would slay me easily. When he poked me, skinny sword broke on skin. I ated him.

Saw the pointy-face horse again today. Still looks delicious. Want! Maybe cat is wrong about obsession being unhealthy…

Just realized that pointy-face horse is kind of Sparkly… Sparkly! Sparkly! Sparkly!

Sadness. Sticking fake horn on normal horse doesn’t make it sparkly. Doesn’t improve flavor either. Ated horse anyway.

Very long day. Ated 2 knights, 5 squires, 3 pages, 2 horses, and a quintain. Ated 11 bystanders and a set of bleachers too. Maybe overdid it a bit. Tired now. Zzzzzz

Have decided to ated pointy-face horse. Am thinking of buying D.R.A.C.M.E. rocket-propelled unicorn net for job. Thoughts?

Stupid cat vetoed DRACME rocket-propelled unicorn net as “dangerously silly.” Am thinking about alternate plans. Suggestions?

Considering opening bring your own fire restaurant for dragons, calling it Hot Knight Out.

Have acquired the perfect bait for catching pointy-face horse. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. And I will ated it.

Need cat-sized princess dress, plus fairie wings and very small strap-on golden unicorn horn. No reason.

Dress never showed up, am going to have to paint cat to look like a virgin-unicorn-fairy-princ

ess-bait for pointy-face horse.

Needed to get large nose-shaped bandage this morning. Had to tell clerk, “No I don’t want to talk about it.” And then, “Bugger off.” When that didn’t work, I ated him.

Perhaps looking at pointy-face horse problem wrong. I’m a dragon, it’s a variety of lunch. I just need to pounce and ated it. Keep things simple.

Ateding pointy-face horse much less fun than wanting to ated it. Tasted like burnt rainbows and soggy glitter. Also, is being very hard to digest.

Rainbows! Oh. My. Dragon. God! Rainbows are coming out of my butt! Stinky rainbows! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! This is soooo not Sparkly!

OMDG! The rainbow is bubbling and boiling. Something is rising out of it! This is seriously not Sparkly!

Hate stupid pointy-face horse. Has risen from the rainbow-ashes of my lunch like horror-show phoenix…only with horn on head.

Stomach still upset from stupid pointy face horse. Slept the day away, but now up to plot my revenge!

Have been nominated for Enchanted Forest Board of Governors by shoe elf. Ated elf, but did it too late. Already on ballot.
May have to ated polling station.

Cat talked me out of ateding polling station, says ateding should be reserved for actual polti…polict…polst…elected people.

Still not happy about this whole politics thing, but cat is starting to convince me. Says I should see it as Enchanted Forest (Smorgas)Board of Governors and to think of public service aspects of ateding widely among forest dwellers ruling class.

Dwarf from Enchanted Forest builders association came by with voter guide poll. Also offered gold to help with my campaign if they liked my answers on question about new development projects. I ated him.

Cat says I did it wrong, you’re supposed to take the bribe _before_ eating the bagman. I say it’ll all come out in the end. Either way, I get Sparklys.

Ated a potential constituent today. Gnome came to cave. Thoughted he was trying to sell garden services. Bad election strategy, but he was delicious. Does that make it all right?

Gremlins brought me new iPhone that they “liberated” as a propitiatiary gift. Sparkly, till it rang—phone company, with bill. So I ated phone, also ated gremlins.

Taking a break from the political thing, went knight hunting. Ated one sushi style and hung the rest in the smokehouse.

Woke up to cave full of owls. Like fluffy who’s who convention. Ated them. Went back to sleep. Stupid owls.

Am entertaining job offer from Fafnir, Fafnir, Tiamat & Lung, dragons at law. They tell me it’s mostly just about ateding opposing counsel. Mmmm, lawyers.

Still not sure about this dragons at law thing. Like the idea of hourly billing for ateding enemy lawyers, but less up on whole actually becoming a lawyer thing. Would rather not have to extend professional courtesy to sharks and barracudas in off hours–they’re too nomable.

Ordered the Jumbo Book of Unicorn Recipes—prepared properly they’re supposed to _stay_ digested. Cool bonus, comes with list of puffer-fish side dish preparations. The blackened unicorn with fugu etouffee, looks especially yummy. What could go wrong?

My Jumbo Book of Unicorn Recipes has arrived. It’s published by DRACME so it must be good. Totally gonna pwn that pointy-face horse.

For an explanation of how this got started, the original Dragon Diaries SFN post is here. The second DD post is here. To find out where it goes, you can watch the experiment continue on twitter and facebook for however long it continues. Hope y’all enjoy it.

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There are 8 comments. Get the RSS feed for comments on this entry.

  1. 1. Deb Salisbury

    LOL! I’ve enjoyed these enormously. Too bad they’ll continue only on Facebook and Twitter – I don’t (and don’t plan to) use either of them. I already spend tooooo much time reading blogs.

  2. 2. Kelly McCullough

    Deb, that’s just where they’re being written. I do hope to find a publisher for them at some point, and there’s a good chance I will continue to post them here from time to time. Glad you’re enjoying them.

  3. 3. Jana Russ

    So it’s 3 in the morning and I can’t sleep and after wandering aimlessly around the internet my Google feed reader points me to SFFN and The Dragon Diaries. Now I am ROTFLMAO and know I won’t sleep anymore. I have visions of the dragon being let lose in DC. I have a little list I wan to share with the dragon. And I am reevaluating the advice my cats give me.

    Thanks, Kelly. Heading off to follow you on Twitter now.

  4. 4. Jana Russ

    What insomniacs do: “I Can Haz Dragon”: http://cuppachai.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-can-haz-dragon.html

  5. 5. Kelly McCullough

    Jana, glad to have given you a laugh.

  6. 6. CC

    I don’t know who said it but: “First thing we do, kill all the lawyers.” I think ateding the lawyers would work to, right?

  7. 7. Kelly McCullough

    CC, I think the character in question would go for it, yes. (Dick the Butcher, Henry VI Part 2, BTW.)

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Author Information

Kelly McCullough

Kelly McCullough is a fantasy and science fiction author. He lives in Wisconsin with his physics professor wife and a small herd of cats. His novels include the WebMage and Fallen Blade series—Penguin/ACE. His short fiction has appeared in numerous venues including Writers of the Future and Weird Tales. He also dabbles in science fiction as science education with The Chronicles of the Wandering Star—part of an NSF-funded science curriculum—and the science comic Hanny & the Mystery of the Voorwerp, which he co-authored and co-edited—funding provided by NASA and the Hubble Space Telescope. Visit site.

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