Comments on: Writing, Grief, and Stress http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/ A mutual support group for SF/F Novelists Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:39:12 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Kelly McCullough http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8290 Kelly McCullough Wed, 24 Mar 2010 13:09:15 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8290 Dianna, thank you. I'm glad you appreciated it. Dianna, thank you. I’m glad you appreciated it.

]]> By: More on Allowing Yourself Not to Write at SF Novelists http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8282 More on Allowing Yourself Not to Write at SF Novelists Tue, 23 Mar 2010 09:46:18 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8282 [...] week, Kelly McCullough and Diana Pharaoh Francis reminded us eloquently that sometimes the tragedies and difficulties [...] [...] week, Kelly McCullough and Diana Pharaoh Francis reminded us eloquently that sometimes the tragedies and difficulties [...]

]]> By: Dianna http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8281 Dianna Tue, 23 Mar 2010 08:58:11 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8281 Kelly, Beautiful post. I lost my dad just over four years ago, and I have a wonderful grandmother who's repeatedly saved my butt in the years since. She's a wise woman, but I think she really needs to learn this lesson even more than I do. ~Dianna Kelly,

Beautiful post. I lost my dad just over four years ago, and I have a wonderful grandmother who’s repeatedly saved my butt in the years since. She’s a wise woman, but I think she really needs to learn this lesson even more than I do.

~Dianna

]]> By: Kelly McCullough http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8278 Kelly McCullough Sun, 21 Mar 2010 18:10:58 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8278 You're welcome, David, and I'm very sorry for your loss. My grandmother lived long enough to see my first couple of books, which is a huge comfort to me since I'm a third generation fan and she was so proud to see me start selling books in her beloved genre. The thing that brings on the memory of loss for me is usually travel. For twenty-five years the first thing I did when I got in at the far end of a trip was to check in with my grandmother. And still, every time I get in somewhere I think "I should check in with…oh." You’re welcome, David, and I’m very sorry for your loss. My grandmother lived long enough to see my first couple of books, which is a huge comfort to me since I’m a third generation fan and she was so proud to see me start selling books in her beloved genre.

The thing that brings on the memory of loss for me is usually travel. For twenty-five years the first thing I did when I got in at the far end of a trip was to check in with my grandmother. And still, every time I get in somewhere I think “I should check in with…oh.”

]]> By: David B. Coe http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8277 David B. Coe Sun, 21 Mar 2010 17:15:09 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8277 Thanks for this post, Kelly. I lost both my parents early in my career. they died within about a year of each other, just at the time I was working on my first series. Actually, they both knew that I had signed contracts on the books, but neither of them lived long enough to see any of my work in published form. I lost about a year to grief, to dealing with the estate, and to trying to figure out who I was in a world that didn't include my mother and father. This was long ago, and I've healed and moved on. But I still remember those days as if I was still living them. And on my parents' birthdays or the anniversaries of their deaths, I still miss them terribly. Thanks for this post, Kelly. I lost both my parents early in my career. they died within about a year of each other, just at the time I was working on my first series. Actually, they both knew that I had signed contracts on the books, but neither of them lived long enough to see any of my work in published form. I lost about a year to grief, to dealing with the estate, and to trying to figure out who I was in a world that didn’t include my mother and father. This was long ago, and I’ve healed and moved on. But I still remember those days as if I was still living them. And on my parents’ birthdays or the anniversaries of their deaths, I still miss them terribly.

]]> By: Kelly McCullough http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8269 Kelly McCullough Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:30:41 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8269 Angela Korra'ti, you're very welcome. Sorry you got hung up in the moderation queue. I wasn't as on top of that as I ought to have been. Angela Korra’ti, you’re very welcome. Sorry you got hung up in the moderation queue. I wasn’t as on top of that as I ought to have been.

]]> By: Kelly McCullough http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8268 Kelly McCullough Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:22:52 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8268 Tracy, didn't mean to leave you out there, I just hadn't gone through and pulled comments out of moderation yet. BTW, your posts should just show up from here on out. Moderation mostly catches first posts. I firmly agree with you on looking for the funny side. It's something I had ingrained from a really young age as my grandmother had a fantastic sense of the ridiculous which she passed on to my mother and my aunt as well as to me. It saw us all through some pretty bleak moments in my childhood, and has helped see those of us who remained through the death of my aunt and then my grandmother. Catching a moment of the absurd in a bleak situation can be the difference between collapse and soldiering on sometimes. Tracy, didn’t mean to leave you out there, I just hadn’t gone through and pulled comments out of moderation yet. BTW, your posts should just show up from here on out. Moderation mostly catches first posts.

I firmly agree with you on looking for the funny side. It’s something I had ingrained from a really young age as my grandmother had a fantastic sense of the ridiculous which she passed on to my mother and my aunt as well as to me. It saw us all through some pretty bleak moments in my childhood, and has helped see those of us who remained through the death of my aunt and then my grandmother. Catching a moment of the absurd in a bleak situation can be the difference between collapse and soldiering on sometimes.

]]> By: Kelly McCullough http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8267 Kelly McCullough Fri, 19 Mar 2010 15:47:05 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8267 Heteromeles, thanks for adding to the conversation. That's a lovely metaphor and I'm glad it helped you through some hard times. Having helped my wife through the incredibly wearing experience of grad school I find it difficult to imagine making it through to the Ph.D under the circumstances you describe. You must have developed into very strong steel indeed. Heteromeles, thanks for adding to the conversation. That’s a lovely metaphor and I’m glad it helped you through some hard times. Having helped my wife through the incredibly wearing experience of grad school I find it difficult to imagine making it through to the Ph.D under the circumstances you describe. You must have developed into very strong steel indeed.

]]> By: heteromeles http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8266 heteromeles Fri, 19 Mar 2010 14:48:21 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8266 My small addition: While I was going through grad school, half my immediate (and small) family died. The metaphor that kept me going was the idea of being the iron on the blacksmith's forge. So long as it's for a purpose, getting pounded on is okay. It's what you have to go through to be turned from a rusty hunk of ore into something useful and valuable. Also, someone (I think it was aikido founder Morehei Ueshiba) pointed out that steel gets some of its strength from iron, but pure iron is soft. What makes steel hard are the impurities (particularly carbon) in it, plus the efforts of the blacksmith. That lesson stuck with me too. You need some impurities to be strong. To extend the metaphor slightly but importantly, too many impurities, and the steel become brittle cast iron. And that's my final point. You've got to let a lot of it go and remember how to have fun with your work. I'm no longer doing the stuff I got my PhD in, and part of the reason is I associate it too much with suffering to want to make a career out of it. My small addition: While I was going through grad school, half my immediate (and small) family died.

The metaphor that kept me going was the idea of being the iron on the blacksmith’s forge. So long as it’s for a purpose, getting pounded on is okay. It’s what you have to go through to be turned from a rusty hunk of ore into something useful and valuable.

Also, someone (I think it was aikido founder Morehei Ueshiba) pointed out that steel gets some of its strength from iron, but pure iron is soft. What makes steel hard are the impurities (particularly carbon) in it, plus the efforts of the blacksmith. That lesson stuck with me too. You need some impurities to be strong.

To extend the metaphor slightly but importantly, too many impurities, and the steel become brittle cast iron. And that’s my final point. You’ve got to let a lot of it go and remember how to have fun with your work. I’m no longer doing the stuff I got my PhD in, and part of the reason is I associate it too much with suffering to want to make a career out of it.

]]> By: Tracy http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8265 Tracy Fri, 19 Mar 2010 13:31:27 +0000 http://www.sfnovelists.com/2010/03/18/writing-grief-and-stress/#comment-8265 I agree laughter can be the best and easiest stress buster we have available sometimes. It doesn't always come naturally to some people, who tend to go in the opposite direction and worry all the time, compounding their stress levels. Changing the way we think about and approach difficult times in our lives can be a up hill struggle but it is like anything else and will become easier the more we practice it. So the next time something bad happens, try to think of the funny side :) I agree laughter can be the best and easiest stress buster we have available sometimes. It doesn’t always come naturally to some people, who tend to go in the opposite direction and worry all the time, compounding their stress levels.

Changing the way we think about and approach difficult times in our lives can be a up hill struggle but it is like anything else and will become easier the more we practice it. So the next time something bad happens, try to think of the funny side :)

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